Matt's Muzings
Why Emotions Are Key to Asking Good Questions
September 2007 Volume 9 Issue 80
Imagine a pianist walking on to the stage of a large concert hall. He is dressed in a black tuxedo with tails. He bows to the audience and then walks over to the piano, flips his tails over the seat and sits down. He lifts the cover off the keys and there are only eight keys on the keyboard. He grandly lifts one finger and plays his whole piece with just the one finger. He is good, in fact is brilliant, but the limitations are such that he cannot reach the depth and beauty of his musical piece with such limitations.
Most of us are like this pianist. We have only a few classifications of emotions and everything must fit through them to be understood. In its most basic form we say it is a good feeling or a bad feeling. If we are more daring we may use words like fear, love, hate, joy, happiness and sadness. That is it. That is the range of our understanding of our emotions and the limitations are very similar to the one-fingered pianist on an eight-note keyboard.
Understanding and working with emotions are an important part of asking questions and thus human leadership. The more we understand our emotions, the better questions we can ask. The better questions we can ask the better leaders we become.
The most effective questions are full of, aware of, sensitive to and often dripping with emotions. Yet, if we run all emotions through the limited categories we have given them, we will never master the art of asking questions. You must use all the keys on a keyboard and all of your fingers to truly learn to play the piano. So it is with questions. You must learn to understand and work with emotions to truly develop the ability to ask good questions.
Why Emotions are key to asking good questions and thus leadership:
Three key reasons:
1) Emotions are like smoke. The reason you look for and validate emotions is not so you can live there or focus only on them. They are like smoke in that they help you discover where the fires of threat or passion are. You can trace the smoke to its source, which leads you to your core beliefs. When you can access those then you can begin the process of transformation and movement.
2) You cannot separate emotions from values. Linked to this, you cannot separate values and choices. Any organization is held together by the values they organize around. It may be quality, cutting edge technology, it may be cheap prices or service, but whatever values you define your organization by, if they are truly your operating values, they will have experiences, passion and direct connections to people's heart. Each of these areas is full of emotions.
3) If you haven't dealt with or don't understand your own emotions, you won't be able to deal with emotions in the questions you ask. You will focus on just the 'facts' and will not understand that facts are interpreted, in part, by each person through emotions they have (values and choices they have made). Core human emotions are what truly allow us to understand each other no matter what gender, race or culture we come from. We are all human and a primary way of understanding each other is through our common human emotions. How we show love or honor may differ, but we all know what it is and desire it in some form. Trust in a relationship includes shared feelings. I trust you because I sense you know me and I know you. If we are dealing with someone who has limited feelings, most of us won't trust them as we will think they are cold and hard -hearted.
Jesus our model
Jesus was comfortable with his emotions, as he knew they were an expression of God. He was moved with compassion, angry and hurt by the hardness of man's heart. He could connect with us because he was at peace with himself.
It may not be popular, but it is a part of the human side of leadership, learn to work with emotions and allow them to be an important part of your leadership.
I would be the first to admit this is a huge task, but also that it is a vital task for all who want to lead.
Matt