Matt's Muzings
The Grudge
I am reminded in leading this Discipleship Training School that Leadership is about risk. A leader must be exposed, vulnerable and ahead of others and all of that involves a risk. Instead of writing 'about' risk. I thought I would take a new risk and do something different for this MUZING.
I have a short story I wrote that deals with something that all leaders must walk through. It is about the temptation to carry a grudge against others or God.
Raising a Grudge
Grudges are such warm, caring and loyal accomplices. They come in all colors, sizes and shapes. They come to you and accept you just as you are and will always communicate directly how they feel about something.
I am the nurturing type. I like to take care of things and help them to grow up and be all that they can be. When I am offered an opportunity to care for things, I rarely turn them down. I thought this was a strength of mine but because of it, I have gotten into trouble.
One day, when I was offered the opportunity to care for a grudge, how could I resist. It seemed too helpless without me.
Grudges are small gifts we receive from others. Those that give them don't see them as gifts, they call them accidents or mistakes and you might hear them say, "I was so tired when I .... that I didn't know what I was doing!", "I didn't mean it that way at all!", "I couldn't help it, they made me do it!", etc., etc.
Why do I call them a gift? Because they are offered to us from others or we can give birth to them ourselves, and if we receive them, we can use them to justify things that we secretly want to do. Let me use an example to explain how grudges are to be raised and their importance. Then I will share how I have gotten into trouble by raising my own grudge.
For example, a father tells his son that they are going to a ball game together. The son gets excited and can't wait for the day to come. The father has something come up that won't allow him to go. A grudge is offered to the boy. The first, second or third time the little boy might refuse. He is not ready to take care of it yet. But one time, when the little boy is feeling hurt and unloved, when he wants a reason to be mad at his dad and cover his own pain, he might accept it and try and raise it. Grudges always come weak and helpless and when the little boy received it he immediately started to take care of it. It has to be nurtured and fed in order to survive. Grudges are very hungry and need allot of care. They will eat anything and so the boy started to look for other things the father did in order to help the grudge grow bigger. When the father didn't come to his ball game, that was a good meal for the grudge. When the father was too busy to play catch with him, another meal taken. With a bigger grudge the little boy could also justify doing things he knew were wrong but his grudge protected him. Grudges are fiercely loyal and will never go away on their own. They promise to be a close friend, to comfort their master and stay with them for all time.
Now, my Grudge was offered to me when I was a young 14 years old girl. My parents were missionaries and they had no place to educate me where they worked so they sent me to a special school for missionary kids in another country. It was an adjustment but I was fitting in. One day the class went to a waterfall for a picnic. The bus arrived at the park near the top of the waterfall. We were going to explore the top and then hike down to the bottom of the waterfall and swim. There was a large pool in front of the waterfall and I immediately jumped out of the bus and pulled my shoes off and ran for the water. I was the first in.
A teacher was running up behind me and yelling but I ignored him. The water was so cool and it was very shallow here. Then I slipped on the moss covered surface and the current started to pull me towards the falls. I tried to grab something to stop me but it was too smooth. I called for help. The teacher ran quickly into the water and he fell as I had. With his strength he got to me and pushed me to the side where there was less current and I found a hold and pulled myself to the bank. I turned to try and find my teacher and just as I did, I starred in horror as I saw him go over the edge of the falls. He fell to his death. The pain was more than I could bear. I should have died, not him. Later, I had to face his wife with their young daughter and although she said it was not my fault and that God was in control. It wasn't OK to me. My young mind agonized. How could God be in control if He let this happen?
During this time, I was offered a Grudge. It was larger than normal maybe, but it was malnourished and needed my care. My pain was so deep, I immediately accepted it to take my mind off my pain. After all, I was wrongfully hurt by God's lack of being in control! I carefully nurtured my new friend and it comforted me. It quickly grew on me and we became inseparable. He was very hungry however, and I needed to look around in order to continue to feed him. There where other injustices all around me and I fed these to my grudge. My being dumped at a school and not being with my parents became it's food. Stories from others who were hurt or suffering from God's apparent lack of control seemed to come from all around me. A blind man here, poverty there, storms that destroyed thousands of lives. Where was God in all this?
As my grudge grew, I found I could justify all kinds of wrong behavior. After all, with a strong grudge to protect me from God, I could not get into trouble. The more wrong I did, however, the more I needed to nurture and care for my grudge as I needed it's protection. He grew and grew until finally one day I realized that I was afraid of him.
Now, no one can come near me or my grudge will attack them. I tried to chain him but he easily broke free. He demands my full attention and is jealous of anything else that I do. I even tried to lock him in a room, but he broke out and cannot stand to be alone. I cannot even find enough to feed him and in the back of my mind, I fear he will turn on me.
I know how to take care of a grudge, that is easy, but I don't know how to get rid of him. The only possible answer I have is that I must kill it. Yet I have given so much of myself to it, I am afraid I will die if it dies. What do I do?
Conclusion : This story is left hanging as a provocation to think, ponder or muze on but there is an answer. As leaders, things won't always go the way we want, our expectations won't always be met. Disappointment is the temptation. Grudges will be offered to us. What will we do with them? True leadership raises no grudges. It does'nt entertain them or feed them. It takes them to the cross of Jesus and lays them at His feet.