Matt's Muzings
Know Where You Are At As A Leader
Where Am I?
To survive a PH.D or not? That is a question before me. You will get this message in one piece. I get it moment by moment. Waiting, preparing, getting ready for a simple question to be answered. Where am I? Will I fail my viva (final oral exam) and will my thesis pass for my Ph. D?
Oxford , February 24th, 2001 . 11:28 p.m.
I am sitting in a small student room in Oxford . I have a desk for my computer and books, my bed is behind me and drawers for my clothes next to it. I have just arrived from a night with a friend in Cambridge after teaching for a week each in DTS's both in Scotland and London . They were good weeks but now I am here. Six years of work will be tested. I am anxious and my emotions are near the surface. I am trying to wrestle with what is the issue that makes me anxious?
As I sit here alone in a chilly room it has hit me. I am anxious because I don't know where I am at. Let me explain.
On the one hand I have worked hard and read hundreds of books and written and rewritten chapters. I have struggled to make it as logical and clear as I can. I feel comfortable with my material.
But on the other hand I don't know what questions the examiners will ask. In this world of research they can ask any questions they want and I may not know the answer. I have taken a particular focus and with another focus of their own, there could be different questions and my answers would be inadequate. The fear in the back of my mind is, I don't know where I am at intellectually.
Not knowing this is driving me nuts.
Then I think back to Genesis and after Eve has taken the fruit and given some to Adam, sin enters our world. I look at God's first response as a Master teacher to mankind. What is His first concern for us that we lost in the fall?
God's first response was a question to Adam and Eve, 'Where are you?"
Adam and Eve lost where they were. That is the fruit of sin. It is only as Adam and Eve understood where they were at that they could then know where they needed to go.
Finding out where you are at can be a potentially painful process. For me right now, I can imagine what I won't want to be confronted with, "We cannot pass you. Your work is inadequate." I am not sure I want to know where others think I am at. Especially, if it is different than where I think I am at and want to be.
The area that is most difficult for me right now and a constant challenge is the ongoing process of realizing, where am I at? The Bible uses the description of our loving darkness. I can see that the essence of darkness is being able to hide where I am at. In one sense I can see how I would like that now because there is a part of me that wants to hide. Reality may be too painful.
I must trust myself. I did not stumble here, but arrived through God's grace and hard work.
There is only One who can truly tell me where I am at. It is to Him that I must keep my eyes on this week. He will use others, but to Him must I look.
Evaluations from others give us feedback to clarify where we are at. I need others to confirm what I think I know.
Am I willing to listen and learn? That is a hard question. I realize I am, but only if I don't place my value in their evaluation. If I am not where I think I am, that is not a value statement of me, but a reference point that I can fix with some work.
I will keep you posted.
Oxford , Thursday March 1, 8:00pm
I am trying to settle down. I will skim through my thesis one more time and I have done my best.
I have been wrestling this week with myself and I have been asking God, What is the issue in me that is causing the anxiety?
I was talking and praying with Celia last night on the phone and realized that a part of it is that I don't trust myself. I have no one else to blame. It will rise and fall on what I have done. I know I am not to boast in myself, to lean into my strengths or let my value rest on this decision, but there is also the place that this reveals that I don't trust God in me. He wants to work through me and it means that I must be comfortable with myself as I am. Strengths and weaknesses, I guess you could say, the good, the bad and the ugly. I know many of you are praying or have prayed for me. I am deeply appreciative of that. I will rise tomorrow and face the question.
Oxford , Friday, March 2, 9:28pm . Survived!
How do you sigh, sing, shout, cry on a computer?
"We believe this candidate has produced an interesting, thoughtful and original piece of work. He defended himself well in the oral exam and we believe this thesis is worthy of the award of a PH.D."
I have passed!
I have some clean up to do for a couple of weeks on the thesis but it is minor work. They said it was good work. I am done. If you listen carefully I am sure you can hear the sigh from where you are at. Thank you for your prayers.
Lest this turn into diary...... How does this apply to leadership? (I am a little humbled at my earlier entries so I will move on.)
Let me make this practical.
In England , motorists drive on the other side of the road, at least from what I am used to. This seems to be the best example of the importance of this whole idea of knowing where I am at.
Know Where you are at as a Leader
When I drive here I have to constantly be aware of where I am at, or my natural tendency pulls me over to the on coming traffic and I have an accident. It feels unnatural, awkward. I must always be aware of the programmed tendencies that want to kick in at any moment.
There are three times when it is vital that I am aware of where I am at or my natural tendencies will get me into trouble.
*When I am turning. I want to pull into the wrong lane.
*When there is an emergency. I naturally jerk the wheel to the right, that is a major problem if I do it here.
*When I am alone and there are no references to keep me in place. Other cars constantly remind me of which lane I should be in.
Let me translate this into leadership. We are called to be transformational leaders in a bent system. With this mind, we must always know where we are at and what our natural or fleshly desires are.
When should we watch out for them? If I said 'all the time', that might be true but simplistic. Our natural tendencies will get us into the most trouble when there is any change in direction. When there is a crisis, and when we are alone and don't have or allow others to give us a reference point to the place we should be in.
If I think I don't need to know where I am at or what my natural tendencies are in my leadership I am guarantied to have an accident and cause pain and damage.
As these last weeks were all about changes, emergencies and being tested, it revealed my own need for clarity in trusting God is in me and that He loves me in a whole new way that I have not experienced before.
My prayer for you in all that you do, would be that you have the courage to know where you are at and the grace of God to walk towards what He wants you to be.